This is the letter Virginia Woolf wrote her husband the day she decided to kill herself. I never knew about it until last night, when I watched The Hours (Stephen Daldry).. I think it is one of the most moving set of words that could be written for anyone.

" I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been."

In 1975, Lebanon underwent a civil war, that lasted until the '90s. In 2005, PM Hariri was assassinated, and ever since, we've been witnessing a series of bombings, in every corner of Beirut.. Up until last summer, we thought things had finally calmed down.. but nop. Two israeli soldiers were kidnapped, and israel declares war on Lebanon.. For a whole month, we had no electricity, we kept recieving threatening phone calls, people fled the country, and we were left with nothing but dirty streets and homeless children..

Martyrs. We salute you..
I salute every drop of blood, every one of you soldiers, mothers, daughters, sons, fathers, every one of you Lebanese..
I salute the courage you have deep down in your hearts to stand up and point your guns out, to leave your children knowing you might never see them again..

In 1975, people never thought Lebanon could undergo a civil war, because a muslim and christian had always been living in peace under the same sky.. but it did happen, and it lasted for fifteen god damned years. And today, Tuesday, May 2nd 2007 we're witnessing the same visions again, as though the film reel never ends, and the strange images are screened deep down in our hearts, printed with hatred, fear, disgust, and love.. imprinted with brotherhood for our fellow patriots, for our fellow soldiers, to our dear mothers, to our future-less youth..

Lebanon, congratulations.. Your land is never to witness peace again..

the last few deviations were shot on the first of may, labor day. The Lebanese communist party holds a celebration every year for the occasion, and it happened that this year was my first year attending as a photographer. I would like to ask anyone who reads this message, or goes through the picture, to consider them objectively, and to ignore any vision or what ever good/bad feeling they hold towards communism.
gracias.

You see, I'm not the kind of people who usually get all clingy about something, or someone.. but this time is different. I have absolutely no idea why this is happening.. although that 'thing' faded away about a month ago but I still feel the same way about everything.. sometimes I hate everything related to it, other times I'm depressing over meaningless photographs, songs, or anything that could even imply a relation to the 'thing'... but still.. I treat it as though it didn't end.. and it's all broken in, like an old chair, where you curl up and rock.. I'm just too hung up on it, too used to having it that I can't let go of it anymore...

Right.. so.. I finished my script's second draft, and this time it's in english.. and I decided I'll be shooting this summer, mid-july probably. Now the only problem is equipment.. I could borrow the school's equipment, but I'm not sure they agree. If they don't, then I have to find myself a sponsor, or a big shot producer.. hehe.. Dreaming big yeah, I know! Bref..
I am writing again.. not super duper things, just writing random thoughts down and I'm really happy with it (note that I've been on a writers' block since last summer)
Aaaaaaaaanyway.
I'm happy today, I have no idea why.. I just am! and it's a very good feeling.. Souad Massi helps..